After reading an article on yahoo about obesity and weed, I was reminded about an old blog I wrote a few years ago. I figured I’d repost it on here. I haven’t re-read it or anything, so as far as I know it could be very not funny and contain many grammer and spelling mistakes… Then again, it could be hilarious.  Irregardlessly, I’m reposting it anyway:

The Cure For Obesity: Legalize Marijuana. (written in 2008, so it probably sucks.)

Preface:

I do not condone the usage of drugs, nor to I protest the usage. I am not a doctor. Nor am I biomedical engineer, so I cannot tell you in truth the actual negative effects, positive effects, or how marijuana could affect others around you at a party, cause you to enjoy college just a little bit more, or impair your driving at night in a red Volvo headed east bound on Interstate 4.

I have however been studying during these recent 10 years, at length, the way the populace behaves, thinks, acts, and most importantly reacts when experiencing certain situations. Unfortunately these results vary tremendously; and in no way could a pie chart, bar graph, or 60 minutes episode accurately portray what I have witnessed. Much like ‘Superman IV’, this brings me to one of my many deductions on my personal ‘Quest for Peace’

Forward:

Many scientists, organizations, and political lobbyists have been hard at work inventing surgical procedures, diet plans, and passing legislation in hopes to curb the disease and ever ‘Growing’ epidemic known as Obesity. I also suffer from this disease. Over weight I am not, however much like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, there ‘IS’ more than one way. My encounters are plenty, be it at the grocery store, movie theater, college campus. Something needs to be done. After much deliberation, and deep thought, I realized not to sell my accounts, but to reveal them to the world. There is only one way to cure Obesity. That my friends, is to legalize marijuana.

Personally, I don’t smoke weed, hashish, Mary Jane, blunts, or roll what are known as Doobys. I have no desire, nor a need. I am high on life(No, I’m not talking about the cereal) and regrettably, I am unable to come down.

In my high school, college, and days I was in a rock band, a few friends I knew would partake on occasion, in the “Inhaling of the Herb.” They treated it as though it were an Olympic event along with Beer Pong, and that they all had the talent equal to Steve Prefontaine(for younger readers, replace with Michael Phelps) Should you spill your beer, or drop some leaf, you were expelled with a loud ‘PARTY FOUL’.

During these particular games of law breaking and binge drinking, I noticed two things.

First, pot smokers become incredibly inventive in the time of need when it comes to constructing home-made bong and smoking devices. I often wonder if the Apollo 13 ground crew sat in a hot boxed room while they devised a way to bring home the astronauts. Or perhaps, Odysseus and the other Greeks smoked a ‘fat ass J’ before the assembled what is now known as the Trojan Horse just so they could get past the gates of Troy because they heard about some ‘Killer Chronic’. Maybe ‘The Odyssey’ wasn’t even that long, it just seemed to go by really slow because he had a craving for major munchies or what some refer to as Scooby Snacks.

This brings me to the second reaction I noticed. That of extreme eating and an amazing appetite for delicious treats and snack like food. After witnessing the most recent of what turned out to be numerous common occurrences, I recently realized that this was the cure for what is called Obesity, any by pure chance would also have quite a few spectacular side effects.

Such As:
-Decreased Crime
-Less Crowded Prisons
-Improved School Systems
-Improved Roads
-More Scientific Discoveries
-Decreased Obesity

Legalizing marijuana, would not only cut down on illegal drug selling and growing, but it would cut down on crime as well. There for allowing more room in the prison system for criminals who cause much more heinous crimes. Legalizing it, would allow gross manufacturing of the plant by companies such as Procter and Gamble, Annheisur Busch, Marlboro, and any other legal supplier of vices out there. The fact that there would be so much of it available would cut down on second hand cost, removing the need to commit crimes for money just so you can get your fix. Plus, are dope smokers really worthy our tax dollars going to fund their schooling in prison, or pay for their food? I think you will concur when I say, “Nay”.

On top of that, pot would be taxed heavily with the tax dollars going to improve the roads and highways. A partial amount of the ‘POT TAX’ would go towards increasing the salaries of our nations school teachers, and funding programs for illiterate adults. Think about it. Not only would weed sales benefit the schools, but it would also remove the need to skip class to smoke dope, when the students can just do it on their lunch hour. The smart ones would smoke a joint on the way to lunch so that way, they can eat some munchies after, and still make it on time to 4th block! Also, illiterate adults would now have adequate assistance and reasons to learn how to read. They would need to know how to read their students report cards so they notice the improved grades their son has due to a better teaching environment!

As for more scientific discoveries, I briefly touched on the innovativeness of those who smoke marijuana. They seem to understand the laws of physics pretty well on top of an enhances imagination. Not only have some of the best rock songs been written under the influence, but something tells me the Wright Brothers were also partaking in some festivities when they contrived the first airplane or even when Marconi was messing with radio waves “there’s voices in the air!” is probably something he was telling his friends.

Now, I know what your wondering, how does all of this decrease Obesity?

I’ll tell you.

First, Legalize Marijuana
Second, illegalize all fast food drive-thrus.

As I mentioned early, smoking the weed causes the ’munchies’. It creates a need to eat in those that smoke. So now that more people will smoke pot due to it being legal, that means more people will be eating snacks and unhealthy food. And more people eating snacks and fast food will create longer lines in 7-11 and McDonalds. Fat people hate standing in line, and remember there isn’t a drive thru! I’ve witnessed obesities sweat what appears to be buckets just while standing still, and in air conditioning. I don’t understand this, but apparently standing still exerts a force of energy they do not usually make use of. This would hinder there desire to stand around and eat junk food, thus creating them to eat healthier and lose weight. Now, as some of you may point out, there are over weights who will foil this plan and be able to wait in the long lines without passing out. This is my favorite part. If we are going to tax alcohol, cigarettes, and gambling, we might as well tax Junk Food. Raise the prices. Fat people will not want to pay $8 for a twinkie. Again, the higher prices will result in them eating less. Now, the people that are willing to pay higher prices will also lose weight in the end. How? you ask. Simple. They will need to work harder and longer in order to sustain the same lifestyle, and will end up burning off more calories through out the work day which will also leave them with an appetite that junk food cannot decrease, so they will eat healthier food which leaves them feeling more refreshed and ready for tomorrow.

There you have it. It’s quite simple really. Legalizing Marijuana will put an end to Obesity, and I don’t even smoke.

Now excuse me while I finish watching a bootlegged copy of Michael Jackson’s ‘Captain EO’ while I devise an equation to solve Global Warming while legalizing murder.